I heard a lot about non-violent communication ("NVC") several years back, because so many friends were studying it. Non-Violent Communication is based on a book of the same name by Marshall Rosenberg. It's short, and worth a quick read. Many people have been inspired by it.
The main thing I gleaned from this philosophy was the basic idea that people are a bunch of beings running around trying to get their needs met. When people are being ordinary, run-of-the-mill assholes (I'm not talking about psychopaths, here), it's usually because there's some unmet need that urgently needs tending.
For instance, when my basic need to feel safe is not met-- that is, when I'm scared-- I have a tendency to be kind of a jerk. Same thing when I hurt myself. I hit my head on the oven hood at least once a week (do they make bumpers for those things?) and typically snarl at anyone who comes in the room. After five or ten minutes, I'm fine. I can say clearly, "I'm grumpy because I hurt myself; give me a few minutes and I'll be myself again."
I wish we could all learn this, so well it becomes second nature-- the way we learn to drive a car, or write a check: Learn to look for and identify needs. I used to feel very sad when my husband would come home and not greet me, and just go straight to the kitchen to eat something. I learned that when he comes home, he really needs to eat, and I really need warmth and re-connection. When we identified what we needed from each other, and kindly requested it (a humbling act) we were able to stop taking things personally and help one another get our needs met.
Parents often confuse their own needs with those of their children. For instance, many parents confuse their need for order with something they imagine their child needs. "You need to clean your room, to show that you can take care of your things" often really means, "When the house is clean, my need for order is met, and I feel calm. I demand that you help me clean." "You need to get to bed on time tonight so you can get to gymnastics tomorrow" often means "When you stay up late, it is more difficult for us to get out the door on time the next day, and I need things to be easier, so I demand that you go to sleep." Parents often have a lot of needs around marital relationships. When one parent stays home with the kids, and the other works out of the home, needs often arise on both sides around appreciation, value, and connection. As with my earlier example, I could say to my son, who needs to play (re-connect) with his dad when he walks in the door, "Your Papa needs to eat, and then maybe he will want to play". Many parents have a need to feel competent-- like they're being a "good parent"-- so they say things like, "Only one hour of tv before bed, because too much tv isn't good for you." This probably is not true for most kids, but it might be honest to say, "Only one hour of TV before bed, because if you watch more, I'll feel bad because it's not good parenting (my need for competency won't be met)." Of course, most people won't say that, even if it is basically true.
Imagine a world in which parents can see clearly what they themselves need, and can ask for it, or tend to it themselves. Imagine a world in which parents can help kids identify what they need, and learn to ask for it. Imagine a world in which parents don't project their needs onto their children--because they are a heavy burden to carry-- and can make sense. I certainly don't claim to be an expert at these things but I am grateful to have heard the concept. It's useful.
I am not good at guessing other peoples' motives. I prefer to take people at their word. A lot of us, though, do not say what we mean. When words and actions don't add up, being able to make a good guess at what someone is needing (and not taking it personally) can go a long way toward getting along with others. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I don't know what I need, I just feel upset and I'm not sure why. Sometimes I have to just remove myself and think about it for awhile. That happened today, in fact. Sometimes it's really nice when someone comes along who can articulate it for you. I guess that's what folks like to call "empathy".
Technically, the NVC approach involves 4 steps-- making an observation, identifying your feelings, identifying your needs, and making a request: I notice when you come home from work and don't look at me, I feel really sad. I need to reconnect with you, even in a small way, so would you please look at me and smile at or hug me when you walk in?
After a while, this process becomes more natural, and everybody gets their needs pretty well met, at least until the normal stresses of life make it more challenging. Then you have to try harder.
I find it annoying when people go on and on about the philosophy and endless wonderfulness of NVC and get all religious about it, but the basic idea can be, I think, transforming for relationships where people have a lot of resentment as well as a hard time asking for what they need. That covers a lot of us. I encourage everyone to make the effort.
A helpful list of feelings.
A helpful list of needs.
I think I will write separately sometime about how NVC fits nicely as a (basic, non-fanatical) tool in the unschooling home.
The main thing I gleaned from this philosophy was the basic idea that people are a bunch of beings running around trying to get their needs met. When people are being ordinary, run-of-the-mill assholes (I'm not talking about psychopaths, here), it's usually because there's some unmet need that urgently needs tending.
For instance, when my basic need to feel safe is not met-- that is, when I'm scared-- I have a tendency to be kind of a jerk. Same thing when I hurt myself. I hit my head on the oven hood at least once a week (do they make bumpers for those things?) and typically snarl at anyone who comes in the room. After five or ten minutes, I'm fine. I can say clearly, "I'm grumpy because I hurt myself; give me a few minutes and I'll be myself again."
I wish we could all learn this, so well it becomes second nature-- the way we learn to drive a car, or write a check: Learn to look for and identify needs. I used to feel very sad when my husband would come home and not greet me, and just go straight to the kitchen to eat something. I learned that when he comes home, he really needs to eat, and I really need warmth and re-connection. When we identified what we needed from each other, and kindly requested it (a humbling act) we were able to stop taking things personally and help one another get our needs met.
Parents often confuse their own needs with those of their children. For instance, many parents confuse their need for order with something they imagine their child needs. "You need to clean your room, to show that you can take care of your things" often really means, "When the house is clean, my need for order is met, and I feel calm. I demand that you help me clean." "You need to get to bed on time tonight so you can get to gymnastics tomorrow" often means "When you stay up late, it is more difficult for us to get out the door on time the next day, and I need things to be easier, so I demand that you go to sleep." Parents often have a lot of needs around marital relationships. When one parent stays home with the kids, and the other works out of the home, needs often arise on both sides around appreciation, value, and connection. As with my earlier example, I could say to my son, who needs to play (re-connect) with his dad when he walks in the door, "Your Papa needs to eat, and then maybe he will want to play". Many parents have a need to feel competent-- like they're being a "good parent"-- so they say things like, "Only one hour of tv before bed, because too much tv isn't good for you." This probably is not true for most kids, but it might be honest to say, "Only one hour of TV before bed, because if you watch more, I'll feel bad because it's not good parenting (my need for competency won't be met)." Of course, most people won't say that, even if it is basically true.
Imagine a world in which parents can see clearly what they themselves need, and can ask for it, or tend to it themselves. Imagine a world in which parents can help kids identify what they need, and learn to ask for it. Imagine a world in which parents don't project their needs onto their children--because they are a heavy burden to carry-- and can make sense. I certainly don't claim to be an expert at these things but I am grateful to have heard the concept. It's useful.
I am not good at guessing other peoples' motives. I prefer to take people at their word. A lot of us, though, do not say what we mean. When words and actions don't add up, being able to make a good guess at what someone is needing (and not taking it personally) can go a long way toward getting along with others. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I don't know what I need, I just feel upset and I'm not sure why. Sometimes I have to just remove myself and think about it for awhile. That happened today, in fact. Sometimes it's really nice when someone comes along who can articulate it for you. I guess that's what folks like to call "empathy".
Technically, the NVC approach involves 4 steps-- making an observation, identifying your feelings, identifying your needs, and making a request: I notice when you come home from work and don't look at me, I feel really sad. I need to reconnect with you, even in a small way, so would you please look at me and smile at or hug me when you walk in?
After a while, this process becomes more natural, and everybody gets their needs pretty well met, at least until the normal stresses of life make it more challenging. Then you have to try harder.
I find it annoying when people go on and on about the philosophy and endless wonderfulness of NVC and get all religious about it, but the basic idea can be, I think, transforming for relationships where people have a lot of resentment as well as a hard time asking for what they need. That covers a lot of us. I encourage everyone to make the effort.
A helpful list of feelings.
A helpful list of needs.
I think I will write separately sometime about how NVC fits nicely as a (basic, non-fanatical) tool in the unschooling home.
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